When you're not Ready to let go of your fairy tale but you want to be a mother
As the years went by, I couldn't ignore the ticking of my biological clock. Each birthday brought a sense of urgency, reminding me that my time was running out to become a mother. And I really wanted to be a mother. The pressure to find a partner so I could start a family weighed on me. And dating apps were not my thing. I stumbled upon an article that shed light on the reality of online dating:
“On average, it takes 3,960 swipes to find a significant other on a dating app. The average American spends eight months and 11 days online searching for love before finding it; that’s roughly six hours per week.”
That’s insane to me! You know, there was a time, people found each other without apps. Yet I can’t tell you how many people have told me I know so many people who met their partner on it. You should really try it. And then there is the popular Netflix show Indian Matchmaker, that led my friends to suggest that I seek the services of a matchmaker—an idea proposed by those who had never ventured into the realm of online dating or used a matchmaker themselves.
Growing up in a family where my parents had an arranged marriage, I knew I didn't want to settle just to have kids. It was always in the back of my head that rather than be stuck in an unhappy marriage, I would have a baby on my own.
It wasn’t till I was 36 that I got a referral to a fertility clinic to consider freezing my eggs. Like many women, I believed that I still had time to find a partner. I wasn't ready to let go of my fairy tale and give up on the idea of having a partner to share the journey of parenthood with. Freezing my eggs seemed like a way to buy myself more time.
Exploring the option of egg freezing turned out to be the best decision I ever made, even though I didn't realize it at the time. I vividly remember my first consultation at the first clinic (yes, I switched clinics and here’s what I wish I had known).
During the consultation, the doctor presented me with charts illustrating the sharp decline in fertility over the next five years.
It hit me that even if I found a partner tomorrow, it might be too late by the time we started trying to conceive.
The doctor recommended conducting a fertility assessment before proceeding with egg freezing.
This comprehensive assessment involved multiple visits to monitor my menstrual cycle and included:
Blood tests (a lot of them) to measure hormone levels, screen for STDs, and determine AMH levels (an indicator of ovarian reserve)
Pelvic ultrasounds
Sonohysterogram
I began with my fertility assessment, and it wasn’t long before I discovered that my AMH levels (ovarian reserve) fell into the lower end of my age group - a complete shock to me. I think I was expecting that my levels would be above the median for my age. I was healthy, in good shape, I didn’t do drugs or drink much alcohol... How could this be? I realized once again that maybe I didn't have as much time as I thought.
Once the doctor and I discussed my results, I was eager to get going with freezing my eggs. But in order to freeze your eggs in Canada, you are required to complete a counseling session with a reproductive counselor. During the session the objective is to discuss the psychological, social and pertinent issues relating to freezing my eggs. If I’m being honest, I thought it was going to be a waste of my time and money.
But I will say I learned a few things that I didn’t know or think to consider:
I may need more than one egg retrieval to end up with a sufficient number of viable eggs
The eggs frozen as a result of this procedure should be considered as a “back up” for future 2nd or 3rd child, as opposed to my first child. First child could be conceived naturally.
Current research indicates success rates of approximately 4-12% per frozen egg
Based on the results of my egg retrieval, I should decide whether I should try and get pregnant earlier, undergo a 2nd cycle of egg freezing, or explore embryo freezing with donor sperm (but not all fertility clinics allow for single women to freeze embryos).
Once that was completed and I pulled the funds together, I got started with my first attempt at freezing my eggs.
I ended up going through the ovarian stimulation (all the injections) only to have to cancel the retrieval due to the very low number of follicles.
I decided to give it another shot with a new clinic, a new doctor, and a completely different protocol. I felt much better, and this time, I knew what to expect. At the end of the ovarian stimulation, I was informed that I had a sufficient number of follicles, and I went into the retrieval with so much hope! But after the retrieval, I received another round of disappointing news. It was at that moment I realized my fertility window might not be as open as I thought. Two unsuccessful attempts. The time I thought I had to potentially find someone and have a baby naturally or with my frozen eggs was no longer feeling like an option. So, I had to really figure out if I wanted to be a choice mom.
In the end, I'm incredibly grateful that I went through the fertility assessment and tried to freeze my eggs because, had I not, I may have waited too long.
Even if I did find my partner eventually, having my own child may not have been an option.
If you find yourself considering choice motherhood, remember that you have the power to shape your own destiny. Choosing to become a mother is a deeply personal decision, and there's no right or wrong way to approach it. Whether you find a partner to share the journey or decide to embark on choice motherhood, trust your instincts and follow your heart. Remember, you have the strength and resilience to create the family you've always dreamed of.
That said, I completely understand the desire to wait to find your partner. I definitely tried to. But now that I have my daughter, all I keep saying to myself is, I only wish I had made my choice sooner…
-Reema
Have more questions, or need a sounding board through this stage of the process, find out more about my coaching service here.
If you want to learn more about my journey of becoming a Choice Mom, I invite you to check out my ebook, where I share my personal experiences and provide the self-inquiry questions and resources to help you on your choice mom journey.
But, if you're ready to explore whether coaching is right for you, book a consult today. Together, we can navigate this process and ensure you have the guidance and support you need to make confident choices. Because no woman needs to go through this process alone.
