when swiping left and right just won’t Cut It when It Comes to selecting your sperm donor
Once you have made what feels like the biggest decision of your life - becoming a single mother by choice. The second biggest decision is the donor selection process and let me tell you, it's not as easy as swiping left or right on a dating app. The search for my ‘perfect’ donor was an overwhelming experience to say the least. At times it felt like an even bigger decision than deciding to become a single mother by choice.
What if I pick the wrong donor?
How will I know which is the right donor for me?
What criteria is important to consider?
Known vs. Unknown
At first, I contemplated asking men I knew to be sperm donors. However, it quickly became apparent that this option had its complications if I didn’t want them involved in the child’s life.
Additionally, I discovered that in Canada, sperm from a known-donor will only be inseminated, when the sperm is frozen for six months in an approved setting. As someone eager to start the journey, this waiting period was also a deterrent. So, I ended up going with an unknown donor.
Open vs. Anonymous
Another crucial decision to make was whether to choose an open or anonymous donor. Initially, I was hesitant about an open donor:
What if they wanted to contact their donor when they turned 18?
What if they were disappointed in my choice?
What if the donor doesn’t live up to their expectations or treats them poorly?
It was clear that fear was keeping me from choosing an open donor. I spoke to my fertility counselor and one other SMC at the time and the response was the same, it is very much a personal choice. Which I would agree, there is no right or wrong way to go. I spent a lot of time journaling and meditating on this decision and I realized that this decision should ultimately be up to my child.
I chose an open donor to provide my child with the opportunity to know their biological father, should they desire it in the future.
I wanted to respect their autonomy and give them the freedom to make that decision when the time came because I knew I would want that.
Factors to Consider
I found myself browsing through countless profiles on various sperm bank databases. I easily read over 70 profiles in detail - there was the athlete, the chef, the med school student, the pharmacist, the engineer. I never knew so much about a person until I started reading these profiles. Forget about the guys I've dated in the past—I barely knew a quarter of the stuff I had to consider when it came to potential donors.
It became a daily project for me, going through a few profiles at a time. At first, I had all these filters. But as time went on, I realized I narrowed it down to a few important ones for me.
Here were some factors I considered during my initial selection process:
Physical Attributes: Height, Weight, hair color, eye colour etc. I always thought I was going to have a boy, so height mattered to me. Or there was the first time I came across a donor with glasses and thought I don’t want to give my child glasses if I can avoid it, though I had no problem dating guys with glasses in the past. Again, this will be personal and yes superficial.
Medical History: I wanted a thorough understanding of the donor's medical history. It wasn't just about knowing my donor's medical background, but also their parents' and siblings' as well. I looked for information about any hereditary conditions or genetic disorders that could potentially be passed on to my child. It was crucial for me that the donor had undergone a comprehensive genetic assessment that I could compare with my own.
CMV (Cytomegalovirus) Status: Understanding whether you are CMV positive or negative before selecting a donor is important. This information may influence your choice of donor. I'm not an expert on this, so it's best to consult with your doctor about it.
Information to Pass to my Child - This includes pictures, a well-written essay, family information, reasons for donating, personality traits, values, and interests. Not all donors take the time to provide all the information or share adult and childhood photos, so it became one of the ways I filtered out a lot of profiles. It was important to me to have this information available to pass on to my child, so they could have a better understanding of their biological origins and the traits that may have shaped their identity.
Education and Background: Having grown up with parents who instilled in me the importance of a good education, it became a value I wanted to pass on to my child. So, naturally, the donor's educational background mattered to me. I understand that this may not be a priority for everyone. Also, I considered their interests and personality traits, as finding a donor with similar values and aspirations could create a sense of connection and compatibility.
In the end, selecting a sperm donor is a deeply personal and individualized process. It took me months to make my choice. I wish I could tell you that I had this "aha!" moment where I saw a profile and instantly knew he was the one. But nope, it wasn't that easy for me. I realized that there wouldn't be a perfect donor who ticked off all the boxes I had in mind. Instead, I focused on finding someone whose words resonated with my values and whom I can confidently explain to my child as the kind-hearted man who helped bring them into this world.
I won’t tell you not to overthink it because that’s easier said than done and I definitely did. It’s a big decision, so it's natural to give it careful consideration. All I can say is trust your instincts and listen to your gut.
-Reema
Still have more questions, or need a sounding board through this stage of the process?
Schedule a 30 min consult with me, and together we can explore if coaching is the right fit for you. As someone who has gone through the journey of choosing a sperm donor, I understand the nuances involved. To find out more about my coaching services click here
If you want to learn more about my journey of becoming a Choice Mom, I invite you to check out my ebook, where I share my personal experiences and provide the self-inquiry questions and resources to help you on your choice mom journey.
But, if you're ready to explore whether coaching is right for you, book a consult today. Together, we can navigate this process and ensure you have the guidance and support you need to make confident choices. Because no woman needs to go through this process alone.
